Finding Me

When I was younger, high school and college years, I was determined that I was going to be a Psychologist and a working Mom. I knew back then that I was a hard worker and that I would get bored staying home everyday. My view point changed when I moved to Arizona. I was somewhat sheltered living in Mankato, Minnesota. I had family and close friends by me most of the time. Life was more simple. Moving to Arizona, I was more isolated, witnessed/observed more violence and crime - my world views changed - a lot! Then I worked as a Therapist with children and families involved with Child Protection services and observed and heard the most devastating behaviors/events. The images I have etched in my brain of that time are horrific and ones I have never really shared with anyone. As a result of what I have experienced in Arizona, I knew that once I did become a Mommy, there was NO WAY I was going to be able to send my child to child care. Now, I am not against child care at all. My mom had to put me into child care at 3 weeks old!! Anyone who knows me well enough knows what a worry wort I am and how anxious I can be...as a result, I would seriously have a nervous breakdown worrying about my child everyday if she were in day care all day. So why am I bringing all of this up?

I am about to share some VERY personal information that I would not normally discuss with anyone, but, I think it's important. I feel a lot of pressure being a stay at home Mom - and I am sure many women do but we are just too embarrassed or nervous to be open about it. So, here it goes...

I know that we made the right decision for OUR family for me to put a career on hold and to stay home and raise our daughter. I know first hand that not all families have this choice. Right now, at this time, we do. There are many things I really like about being a stay at home mom. I get to see all of Sydney's firsts. I get to decide what she eats, what she sees on TV, when she takes naps, what she plays with and things of that sort. With me spending so much time with her, she learns our values and traditions and not those of the people taking care of her. I get hugs and kisses all day (my favorite). I get to do certain errands and chores during the day that many people have to do on the weekends or evenings. All of these things, and many more, are all very positive and important and I am grateful. There are things however, that are very challenging for me when it comes to being a stay at home Mom. I miss ME. I miss the part of ME that used to help people on a daily basis. The part of ME that felt valued and important. I was really good at my work. People came to ME for my advise on treating clients. I loved the rush I used to get when I could see someone arriving at a "Ah-Ha" moment. I miss my paychecks!! I miss getting paid for the work I did. I have always been one to work better and to accomplish more when I have a lot to do - I am proud of my time management skills and my ability to prioritize. Now, I know what people are going to say - those are all transferable skills - I still do use time management and I still do prioritize. But come on people, its much different. Making decisions about what to cook for dinner or what to clean first - the toilet or the floors - isn't' quite the same!! For people who enjoy cooking and cleaning and decorating and things of that sort, this is the perfect job for them. But I really don't enjoy all of those things. This is the part that is hard because I read a lot of blogs and chat rooms where working moms will say, "You are so lucky to be able to stay at home" "Quit whining" - all of these types of comments only place more shame on women who are in my shoes. Obviously, we know we are lucky! But why should I be shamed because I miss a big part of ME. Why is it that once you have kids whenever you use the word "ME" you feel ashamed? I feel like when I use the word "ME" I am being selfish. Why? Am I not allowed to have a "self" anymore because I am a Mom. Now how do I explain that to my daughter as she grows up? "Enjoy life while you can Sweetie because once you have kids, your life is over!!" NO! I refuse! There has got to be a happy-medium! So that is where I am at today...trying to figure out what MY happy-medium is. Trying to figure out how I can be the productive, stable, joyful stay at home Mommy that Sydney deserves, yet, at the same time, trying to figure out what I can do to get ME back! A way that I can use my skills and my passion and still be home for my Sweetie. This is the example I want to set for my daughter!

I know someone is going to read this post and think that I am being selfish or ungrateful or that I think the grass is greener on the otherside. Think what you will. I prefer to get past the "shaming" and focus on something more productive - like finding ME!