Missing Mom

I am really, really struggling today...I miss my Mom so much. I have been so busy with Sydney the last couple of weeks which has kept my mind distracted - but - today, I am at work and I keep thinking of my Mom. Very emotional, very difficult!

I have so many awesome memories of Christmas time with my Mom. Putting up Christmas decorations Thanksgiving weekend. Picking out the biggest, fullest Christmas tree was always the goal! We would go to a local tree farm to pick a tree out and cut it down ourselves. It was so much fun. It was always cold and snowing the day we chose to go. They would give us a little hand saw and then we would just wonder around until we found the perfect tree. We would be there forever - freezing our bums off - but it didn't matter because the perfect Christmas tree was just waiting for us - somewhere out there!! Once we found the perfect tree, we then needed to cut it down. I cannot tell you how hard we would laugh and cry trying to cut the perfect tree down! But, we never gave up! We would be exhausted once we finally cut the tree down and then the realization would sink in that we still needed to drag the tree all the way back to the barn (to pay for it) and then to our car! By the time we got home, we were pooped - but so eager to decorate that tree! They say that you are suppose to wait 24 hours before decorating your tree so it can settle. And most years, we were able to do that. But, sometimes, we just couldn't wait and we would decorate it right away! Big mistake!!

And then there was the Christmas shopping - it was never a matter of just getting a gift for someone - we really thought it out and wanted our gifts to be meaningful to our recipients. Oh yes, and making the Christmas goodies - even though they didn't always look so good, they were fun to make! So much laughter and tears of joy!

When I was younger, I always got to open one gift on Christmas Eve day. The gift was always my new Christmas outfit that I would get to wear later that night to Grandma Doris's house for our Christmas Eve celebration. I always felt so proud and excited to wear my new outfit. We didn't have much money so I didn't often get new clothes. Grandma Doris's house was always so much fun. Grandma, Grandpa John, us, my Mom's sister Linda and her huge family, and sometimes, uncle Paul would come and really make it all special. After Grandma Doris's house, we would drive around and look at all of the Christmas lights before going home. Once home it was off to bed so Santa could come - he still came when I was 26 years old!! The next morning was all about opening gifts and having egg bake and coffee. My favorite part of the morning wasn't getting my gifts, but watching my Moms face as she opened the gifts I bought her! I ALWAYS put a lot of emotion and love into the gifts I gave her - she deserved nothing less! I didn't get to go home for every Christmas after moving here - but I did get to go back a few times. I remember the 2nd to last Christmas that I went home, for Christmas I gave her a big Christmas ornament that I bought for her in England. I spent hours in a Christmas store looking for the perfect bulb to get her - as Christmas was so important to us - the bulb needed to have special meaning. From England, I also bought her a Dragonfly pin to wear on her shirt/coat. I remember the look on her face when she opened those gifts. Little did I know that would be one of my last Christmas's with her. I now have that Dragonfly pin and will some day pass it down to Sydney. Isn't it ironic that it's the same blue color of the Dragonfly that comes and visits us every spring/summer!

Today, she's all I can think about. I am trying so hard to focus on all of these wonderful memories but my mind slips and I start thinking about Christmas without her. I would give almost anything to have her at our house for Christmas this year and to experience having her with us as Sydney awakens Christmas morning and all of the Christmas magic of the day. I feel very cheated that I will never get to experience this with my Mom. I am trying so hard to continue her Christmas spirit for Sydney because I want Sydney to have the same type of joyous memories of Christmas that I do. What a gift that would be to my daughter. What a gift my Mom gave me for so many years. Man, I miss you Mom!