Keeping the Faith

I think I may have finally found a church that's close by that we can join. Becoming an active member in a church has been something I have really wanted for our family since I was pregnant. It's been a very difficult process. I have been struggling with my faith for some time now. I was brought up in a Catholic church and even went to Catholic school (which I loved) until my parents were divorced. At that time, the Catholic Church was very strict about divorce and my Catholic school days were over. I had to switch to a public school in the 5th grade. It was so hard for me on so many levels. I think that's when my faith started to fade. I continued to stay in CCD and was Confirmed (although that was even a battle because I was constantly questioning the Catholic beliefs). After my confirmation, I quit going to church.

My Mother continued with the Catholic church until she died. When I found out she had cancer, I grew VERY angry with God. And when she died, well lets just say I had a few words with God and have been holding a grudge since. The last year, something has changed in me. I have began exploring Christianity with a different mindset. I have focused more on MY relationship with God and not on religion. God and I have come a long way in the past year and now I am ready to start going to church on Sundays again. But, not just any church. It needs to feel right to me. I don't want to go somewhere where I feel "preached at" or judged - I have spent enough years feeling guilty. It needs to be a place where we, as a family feel welcomed and appreciated and accepted as we are and not by who someone things we should be. I want a place where music is exciting and positive. I want a place where children are loved for who they are in a positive environment. I think we may have finally found our place. We went to this church last weekend but I wasn't sold. I didn't like the band that was playing and we had Sydney with us and she was very active. I also didn't like the fact that it didn't physically look like a church and people were taking notes on a service outline provided by the minister during the service. But I thought about it all week and took another look at my expectations. I decided to go again today. Greg had to work so I went with Sydney. I placed her in the 3 year old childcare (which she loved) and I went to the service myself. A new band was playing which I enjoyed much more. And a lady came and sat down right next to me and introduced herself. She is also a stay at home mom and had her two daughters in the church childcare. This was her first time there. She turned out to be really nice and we introduced our daughters and they were so sweet. Also, I realized that I kind of liked it that people were taking notes during the service - in fact, I took some myself. I realized that taking notes will help me (just as it is with everyone else around me) really think about what the minister was saying and remember how to apply it throughout the week in my everyday life. As far as the church not looking like a church - well, I just need to get over that. Appearance is not everything!!

So, I feel pleased today and hopefully we will find our place in this new community. I know my Mother is pleased - looking down at me. Her faith is what kept her so strong during some very difficult times in our lives. I want Sydney to have this faith.

So God, look out, here I come - we have a lot to talk about...